TV Stories
by montypython203
Summary: A series of one shots involving the Doctor, Rose and a TV.
1. Guilty Pleasures

_Title: TV Stories_

_Rating: K_

_Summary: A series of one shots involving the Doctor, Rose and a TV._

_Disclaimer: (to the tune of Don't Feel Like Dancin'):  
Well I don't own Doctor Who and I think that really blows  
Coz if I did I never would have gotten rid of Rose ..._

**Guilty Pleasures**

The Doctor looked around to make sure Rose wasn't around. He took a deep breath and switched on the TV. His show was just starting.

After 10 minutes the Doctor was completely engrossed. So much so that he didn't hear Rose come in.

"Doctor?" she said in disbelief.

"Rose!" exclaimed the Doctor. "Er, it's not what it looks like. I was just, er, flicking round."

"No you weren't," said Rose. "I can't believe it. You, you … you watch _Neighbours_!"

"No, I, it's just … so what if I do?" said the Doctor.

"Well, I don't know of many 900 year old male aliens who watch soap operas," said Rose.

"You don't know many 900 year old male aliens, period," argued the Doctor. "Now shush … what did he say? Did you hear that Rose?"

"Er, something about Katya being in hospital I think," Rose said.

"Oh for god's sake, Katya's always in hospital!" the Doctor exclaimed. "She practically lives there!" Rose giggled as she walked out of the room. Maybe the Doctor would let her watch _Day of Our Lives_ now ...

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_I would like to thank my 50 YEAR OLD DAD for pointing out about Katya. Now, I'm not sure how many of these I'm gonna do. So review, and we'll see what happens._


	2. Trying New Things

_Thank you to all my lovely reviewers._ _I hope you enjoy part 2._

**Trying New Things**

"Rose, it's sweet that you're trying to introduce me to new shows, but I'm quite happy with the few I do watch and just travelling through time and space the rest of the time, okay?" the Doctor said.

"You'll like it, I promise," Rose insisted. "I've outgrown it myself, but it's perfect for you."

"And why would that be?" the Doctor asked. Rose sighed and turned the TV on. Immediately the Doctor was glued to the screen.

"_Bananas in pyjamas are coming down the stairs …"_


	3. It's Time To Cut The Fat

**It's Time To Cut The Fat**

"Hey Rose," said the Doctor, walking into the room. "Whatcha watching?"

"The Biggest Loser," said Rose. "It's one of my favourite shows. It's so inspiring."

"Yeah, they must lose a lot of weight through those tears," said the Doctor sarcastically. Rose glared at him.

"The thing is…" she began, "… they're all really weird this time round."

"How?" asked the Doctor.

"See for yourself," Rose said. The Doctor sat down on the couch and watched. All the contestants were standing around, doing nothing.

"When I tell you to train you will train!" the trainer exclaimed. The woman named Laura looked at the man named Wal and nodded at him.

"The time has come," Laura said. She stood back and zipped open her forehead. Wal and the other contestants did the same.

"Oh my god, they're Slitheen!" Rose exclaimed. "But I thought they all died?"

"Blon told me their family was huge," the Doctor said. "These guys must be new."

"Oh no," said Rose. The show ended, and went to the news.

"_Breaking news, a group of aliens identified as 'Slitheen' are heading through the city. Using the taxi driver famous for being mistaken as a computer expert as a chauffeur and hostage, they have revealed plans to break into any buildings without contact with civilisation, that is, those not receiving warnings."_

"We've got to stop them!" exclaimed Rose, getting up and running to the door.

"_The Slitheen were last seen heading towards the Big Brother house." _

Rose stopped and turned.

"Then again, there's no real rush," she said.

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_Does anyone here actually like Big Brother? I don't, but I do love The Biggest Loser. Now, you don't need to send in your reviews via SMS here. It's as simple as clicking a button ..._


	4. The Doctor, the Rose and the Wardrobe

**The Doctor, the Rose and the Wardrobe**

The Doctor and Rose were sitting on the couch, watching _Leave it to Beaver_.

"Look at her in her pearl necklace," said Rose.

"I know, who's she trying to impress, the vacuum cleaner?" said the Doctor. Rose laughed.

"Let's see what else is on," she said, changing the channel. She changed it to _What Not To Wear_. There was a couple on it, describing their lifestyle. Rose and the Doctor couldn't help noticing the resemblance they had to them. The man was wearing a suit with trainers, and the woman was wearing hoop earrings.

"We travel around a lot," said the man. "It's a very active, hectic lifestyle."

"Sounds just like us," commented Rose. "I wonder what Lisa and Mica are gonna say about them." Lisa walked up to the man.

"Shocking," she said. "Who wears trainers with a suit?"

"Well, I do a lot of running," defended the man.

"So find something that goes with the shoes!" exclaimed Lisa. "Or at least get another pair, something that goes with the outfit. You can't have it both ways. Honestly, you have no idea how to dress." Rose was tempted to laugh. The Doctor lowered his head a little. Now Mica was commenting on the woman's outfit. 

"You say you do a lot of travelling, a lot of adventuring?" she said.

"Yes indeed," replied the woman.

"Well you're not dressed for it," said Mica. "Those earrings'll just weigh you down, or they might get caught in something. And what's with the make-up?! You look like a prostitute!"

"It's not that bad," said the woman meekly.

"But why are you wearing it?" asked Mica. "Who are you trying to impress?" The Doctor and Rose sat in silence with their mouths open for a moment. Then Rose slowly picked up the remote and changed the channel.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_I've never actually seen an episode of **What Not To Wear**, so I hope I did an okay job. And let's just say it was a special edition for couples. And for those of you who haven't seen the original **Leave It To Beaver**, all you need to know is that Mrs Cleaver wore a pearl necklace, even though she just did housework._


	5. Chav

_You need to know Little Britain to understand this chapter. _

**Chav**

**_"In the town of Darkly Noone, Vicky Pollard is applying for a job."_**

"Look at that," said Rose. "_That's _what Cassandra was comparing me to." The Doctor looked at the screen. There was Vicky, with her bling, her long messy hair, her pink jacket, her trackies and her six kids. He then looked back at sweet little Rose.

"You're right," he said. "Nothing like her." Rose smiled to herself.

"She's much better looking than you," he added. Rose looked at the Doctor.

"Oh my god, I so can't believe you just said that!" she exclaimed.

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_I was going to write out a long Vicky Pollard speech for Rose, but I'm not that clever. Reviews make me happy!_


	6. The TARDIS's Brainiest Kid

_I'm not sure what other countries have a Brainiest Kid show, so I'm just making it Australian for convenience._

**The TARDIS's Brainiest Kid**

"9.5 trillion kilometres."

"Neil Armstrong."

"1588."

"Doctor, why are you talking to yourself?" asked Rose, walking into the room.

"Antarct-, what?" said the Doctor. "Oh, I'm not. I'm watching_Australia's Brainiest Kid_ and answering the questions."

"Ah," said Rose. "So why are you watching it in the first place?"

"I take pride in my knowledge," replied the Doctor. "It feels good when you know more than people on quiz shows."

"They're 12 years old!" exclaimed Rose. "And do you have to answer out loud?"

"It adds to the feeling of accomplishment," said the Doctor. Rose rolled her eyes and slumped down next to the Doctor. The round had just ended.

"And now it's time for our tie-breaker round, called Matching Pairs," said the hostess. "We give you 4 pairs, and you have to match them up. For example, with superheroes and their secret identities it would be Superman with Clark Kent, Spiderman with Peter Parker, and so on."

"Yeah yeah, it's not rocket science," said the Doctor.

"And here we go," said the hostess. "Match the following Wiggles with the colour skivvies they wear." The screen showed 2 columns. The first one read: Greg, Anthony, Jeff and Murray. The second read: Blue, Purple, Red and Yellow. Rose turned to the Doctor.

"Well?" she said, raising an eyebrow. All the contestants had solved the question by now.

"Rose," said the Doctor "What's a Wiggle?"

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_This was harder to write than you think. I wrote it in my head while I could have easily been fantasising about meeting David Tennant. Make my hard work pay off, and review!_


	7. That's Odd

**That's Odd**

"Honestly Rose, the whole of time and space is out there and you're in here watching cartoons?" the Doctor said in disbelief.

"It's not just any old cartoon Doctor," said Rose. "This is _Futurama_. It's created by Matt Groening, the brilliant mind behind _The Simpsons._" The Doctor's eyes widened. He'd met Matt Groening once, when he was being sworn in as the president of the USA. He had no idea that he used to make cartoons.

"Oh," he said. "Can I watch too?"

"Make yourself at home," Rose said.

"It is my home," the Doctor reminded her. He then sat down next to her.

"The show's set in the year 3000," Rose told him. "You'll have to take me there sometime to see if it's really like this." The Doctor nodded and watched. There were flying cars, beer-drinking robots, suicide booths … it wasn't actually that different to the real year 3000.

"_Ow!" exclaimed Fry. "Leela! Nibbler bit me!"_

"Ha, I had a companion called Leela once," the Doctor commented.

"_Just go to Dr Zoidberg."_

Fry sighed and got up. He then walked to a door, knocked and opened it. What happened next made the Doctor scream.

"What is it?!" asked Rose anxiously.

"The, the, Zoidthing," stammered the Doctor. "He looks just like an Ood!"

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_Another fact pointed out by my dad. Please review!_


	8. Deja Vu

_Here's another one for you._**  
**

**Deja Vu**

The TARDIS was stranded in the time vortex, so while the Doctor fixed it Rose was keeping herself entertained by watching _Rugrats_. The babies had just come out of another exciting adventure.

"We did it guys!" exclaimed Tommy. "And now everything's back to norman!"

"You really were brave back there Tommy," said Chuckie. "If it wasn't for you we'd still be stuck in that evil day-care centre."

"Oh, thanks Chuckie," said Tommy. "But I couldn't have done it without my trusty stewdriver." He extended his plastic screwdriver in the air as a symbol of his achievement. Just then the Doctor walked in.

"I fixed it Rose," he said. "We can go now."

"Well done Doctor, you should be very proud of yourself," said Rose.

"Thanks, but I couldn't have done it without my trusty sonic screwdriver!" He lifted the device above his head. Rose looked at him for a moment, before bursting into laughter.

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_Please review, or I'll send Reptar after you!_


	9. Where Are They Now?

_Wow, it's been a while. It's amazing how there are so many TV shows in the world, but only a select few I can use. Anywho, I'm back with this one._

**Where Are They Now?**

Rose sat on the couch in the living room. She picked up the TV guide and browsed through it. She didn't find much that interested her, until she came across the summary of one particular show that made her eyes widen. She checked the time it was on, and set the alarm on her watch to go off a couple of minutes before then. This, she had to see.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"What was that?" asked the Doctor.

"Just the alarm on my watch," said Rose. "I set it to remind me about a show I want to watch. Come watch it with me."

"Do I have to?" whined the Doctor.

"Yes," said Rose. The Doctor sighed and followed Rose into the living room. He sat down on the couch, while Rose stood in front of the TV.

"Doctor," she said. "Do you ever wonder what happens to the people we meet during our travels?" The Doctor shrugged.

"A little, I suppose," said the Doctor.

"But think about it," said Rose. "You've changed people's lives. You've given them a glimpse of your life. And when we leave, sure everything seems fine. But as time goes on, life becomes more complicated."

"Rose, what's going on?" the Doctor asked. Rose stepped out of the way of the TV and switched it on.

"Jerry Springer?" said the Doctor, confused. "What's this got to do with anything?"

"Just watch," said Rose. The Doctor sat back and watched as Jerry announced the show.

"_And now, we have a very interesting guest_," he said. "_He seems like just an average guy from London, England. His name is Elton._"

"Oh my god," said the Doctor.

"_And he's our special guest today, for our topic … MY GIRLFRIEND'S A PIECE OF PAVEMENT!" _

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_And that's it. I hope it's … adequate. I didn't want to go too much into what would happen in the actual show. Please review, being mindful that with this I was attempting to make a lame and unfunny episode funny._


	10. The Doctor Learns a Valuable Lesson

_A bit of a longer chapter this time._

**The Doctor Learns a Valuable Lesson**

Rose wandered around the TARDIS, bored. It had been 3 days since her last serious adventure, and she didn't know how much longer she could hold on. She made her way into the living room, which had practically been the Doctor's home since the cricket had started. It had been on every day from 10:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. with a half hour lunch break and a short tea break, so if they wanted to have any adventures, they had to get through them either at night or during the breaks. This had resulted in the adventures being very short. The Doctor had literally left worlds on the brink of disaster because they were back from the tea break.

"Doctor, I'm bored!" Rose complained.

"Then take a seat and watch the cricket with me," reasoned the Doctor without taking his eyes off the screen. "Oh, great bowl Warnie!" Rose turned to the screen to see the figure of Shane Warne, who had bowled what to Rose looked like nothing special, but had excited the Doctor greatly.

"The flipper," he remarked. "How does he do it?"

"Are we gonna do anything today?" Rose asked, already knowing the answer.

"The broadcast ends in a couple of hours, we'll do something then," answered the Doctor. "Providing we're back for tomorrow. Then the day after that is the last day. We can do whatever we want after that."

"Really? Great!" exclaimed Rose, excited by this news.

"Well, as long as it doesn't take more than 2 days. The next test starts then," added the Doctor. Rose groaned.

"Shh Rose, not so loud," said the Doctor. "Look, it's a best of 5 series. But if it's any consolation, this one finishes after 4." Rose breathed a sigh of relief, then paused.

"Wait," she said. "What do you mean it finishes after 4?"

"Well, Australia wins this one, then there's a draw, then Australia wins the next one, then Australia wins again. Therefore they don't need to play the last one." Rose's face went red with anger.

"You mean … you've seen this before?!" she screamed.

"Yeah," said the Doctor as if it was obvious. "3 times to be exact. It's a classic series." He turned to Rose, and for the first time noticed her fuming face.

"Rose? What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm gonna kill you Time Lord!" Rose yelled. She advanced upon the Doctor, who cowered back. He stared up into her wild eyes, when…

"_And he's got him! Shane Warne has bowled him!"_

"Crap Rose, you made me miss the wicket!" cried the Doctor. "Oh never mind, I'll just wait for the replay."

"No you won't," said Rose. The Doctor went to protest, but he had no idea of what Rose was capable in this state.

"No I won't," he repeated. "On second thoughts Rose, what do you say we go on an adventure?"

"You know what Doctor? I don't think I want an adventure anymore," Rose said, her voice suddenly calm. "I believe there's a _Gilmore Girls _marathon on Channel 44. It lasts for 3 days. You don't mind if I watch it, do you?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That day the Doctor learned a valuable lesson, one which he never forgot. Lorelai and Rory Gilmore made sure of that.

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_This is dedicated to those of you who watch the cricket. I'm watching it as I type this. I love it._


	11. Look at moiye

_It's been a while, but I finally thought of another TV show to use –__**Kath & Kim**__. If you haven't seen it and you still want to understand this fic, take this advice: if you don't understand what I'm writing, it's probably a quote from the show._

_All my chapters so far have been 10 and Rose, but __I'm making this one 9, Rose and Jack. _

**Look at moiye…**

Rose had insisted that the Doctor take her and Jack to Australia. Unfortunately, after many failed attempts, she had instead decided on a _Kath & Kim _marathon to fill the gap. One day the Doctor walked into the lounge room and sat down in the hope that she would soon be finished.

"I've been to Australia, and no one acts like that," he commented.

"I'll believe _that _the day the TARDIS lands there," said Rose. "Besides, this show's hilarious! Look – that's Kim. She's the daughter of Kath. Kim is married to Brett, but they argue heaps." Indeed, as the Doctor watched, the overweight woman with long brown hair looked like she was about to kill the man opposite her.

"How_dare _you call me unattractive!" Kim exclaimed.

"I didn't say that…" began Brett.

"And look at you!" continued Kim. "You're hardly Brad Pitt! You're only 26 years old, and you've already got crows feet!"

"Crows feet?" said the Doctor, frowning. "Is that some sort of foot condition?" Rose laughed.

"No silly," she said. "It's wrinkles you get around your eyes. They're like 3 lines that branch out on the ends, making them look like the feet of a crow. _You_ get them sometimes." The Doctor's eyes widened.

"What?" he said.

"Mm," replied Rose. "Like when you do one of your really big smiles."

"Oh," said the Doctor softly. He pursed his lips, and continued watching the show.

"And not only that," said Kim, "you're balding! Do you know how embarrassed it makes me to be seen in public with that? It makes your giant forehead stand out even more. And then to top it all off, your ears look like bloody satellite dishes!" The Doctor's mouth opened. He'd never paid a whole lot of attention to his looks (his sixth body's fashion sense made that clear), but now, for some reason, he felt it necessary. And with the arrival of pretty boy Jack, he felt more unattractive than ever. While Rose was distracted by the TV, the Doctor turned to the mirror sitting next to the couch. He looked into it, and the deeper he looked, the more wrinkles he saw. He ran his fingers over his face, attempting to smooth out the crevices that had formed there. He placed the tips of his fingers on his ears, and pushed them back in the hope that they would look less conspicuous. There wasn't a lot he could do about his forehead, but maybe if he tipped his head back…

"Doctor, what the hell are you doing?" asked Rose. The Doctor jolted in his place. He didn't want to admit the truth to Rose, but at the same time he didn't want to lie. He sighed.

"Do you think I look like Brett?" he asked. Rose examined him for a moment, turning her head between him and the TV.

"Maybe a little," she admitted.

"But … all that stuff Kim just said about him," said the Doctor. "It applies to me too."

"Doctor, Kim is a shallow, annoying bitch," said Rose. "More importantly, she's _fictional_. She doesn't exist."

"But the way I look does," said the Doctor. "I never really thought much about my body, but it's not a nice feeling to have it presented to you like that. I'm sure Captain Jack never gets any worries about things like that." Rose looked at the Doctor.

"Are you jealous of Jack's looks?" she asked. "What, do you think I'm just gonna run away with Jack coz he's supposedly better looking than you?" The Doctor shrugged.

"I don't know," he said. Rose nodded.

"Doctor, look at moiye," she said.

"Huh?" said a confused Doctor.

"Look at moiye," repeated Rose. "Look at moiye, look at moiye, look at moooooooooiye…" Finally the Doctor faced Rose.

"Now I've got one word to say to you," said Rose. "Hot."

"What?" said the Doctor.

"_You_are a great hunk o' spunk, and anyone who can't see that can get stuffed," said Rose. The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" he asked. Rose smiled.

"Come here," she said, bringing her lips to meet the Doctor's. Just then Jack walked past, but stopped in his tracks as he saw the couple on the couch.

"This calls for a celebration," he decided. "I'm gonna crack open the Tia Maria and put on the footy franks!"

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_If you want to see what Brett looks like, type "Peter Rowsthorn" (the actor's name) into Google images._

_How about this – my fic "What Use Are Emotions?" was my 100th! I didn't even realise!_


	12. Every Breath You Take

_That's right - I finally got another idea! Yay!_

_I should point out now that each chapter here is a one shot - so just because the Doctor and Rose are kissing in one chapter doesn't mean it carries on._

_This is also back to the 10th Doctor._

**Every Breath You Take**

Rose admitted that she enjoyed a bit of sexual humour – especially after meeting Jack – so she was happy to sit back occasionally and watch _Two and a Half Men_ with the Doctor.

"Who's your favourite character?" questioned Rose.

"Hmm?" said the Doctor. "Oh, um, Charlie, I guess. You've just gotta admire someone who can pick up girls just like _that_. I wish I could do it."

_Oh, you have no idea_, thought Rose.

"How about yours?" the Doctor asked.

"Well ... I might be naturally biased, but I'd have to say Rose," she admitted. The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Rose?" he said. "But she's so obsessed! The way she's constantly watching Charlie, sneaking up on him, climbing into bed with him ... don't you find that a little unsettling?" Rose shrugged, and the Doctor smiled.

"Thank Rassilon people like that don't exist in real life, hey?" he said, standing up and walking out of the room. Rose sat in silence for a moment, then made a mental note.

_Note to self – find better hiding places for the cameras._

* * *

_In case you didn't get it, the title for this chapter is an allusion to the song **Every Breath You Take** by The Police, which is about stalking._


End file.
